So Phil didn't see his shadow? Guess the check from the Winter Goods lobby didn't arrive on time. Or it bounced. Oh, yeah.
You didn't know? Our boy's on the take. Every year he gets a substantial "donation" to his kid's educational fund from the lobbyists representing the folks who make winter necessities like snow shovels, winter coats, hand warmers, gloves, scarves, tossle caps, etc. Why do you think that overfed rat has not seen his shadow 18 of the last 120 years? That groundhog is getting PAID!!! Believe that!!!
And the gravy train has passed down from successor to successor. Ever wonder what happens to the unlucky groundhog who spilled the beans? Remember Gus, the second most famous groundhog in Pennsylvania? He knew stuff. He knew stuff he wasn't supposed to say. Well, he dropped Phil in it, and lost that cushy job at the Lottery. Last I heard, Gus was fighting the river rats for scraps along the Allegheny River under the Clemente Bridge. He tried to get help from the occupiers at Mellon Green back in the day, and half of them wanted to eat him.
You read it here! A Moonlight Scribbler Exclusive!! It's a conspiracy, I tell you! My butt could end up in a bad way saying all this stuff. Matter of fact, I hear helicopters hovering over the Little House in the Ghetto! There are a bunch of old guys wearing top hats, tuxedos and carrying Mossberg tactical shotguns approaching the house as I speak. Oh, s**t! They're breaking down the door!!! I'm done for! This might be the last Moonlight Scribbler post you'll read from me!!! GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!