Friday, June 02, 2006

Hot fun in the Summertime Blues and the Livin' is Easy!!!

I'm taking a break from serious blogging and getting into the current season which happens to be Summer time. Today is June 2, and while the Summer does not begin chronologically for another 19 days, we in the Pittsburgh area got a taste of it earlier this week when temperatures soared into the 90's. And of course, in Pittsburgh, when the temperature goes up, the hemlines follow suit, I start to feel like shit and people who have no good reason to go half naked suddenly get the urge to divest themselves of their clothing and roam about the highways and hedgerows of the 'Burgh in all or most of their glory, causing most sane members of society to consider calling Greenpeace because one of their whales grew arms and legs and is walking the streets.

Summer is not my favorite time of the year. I am not a summer baby. I like fall, spring and winter, and view summer as many Pittsburghers view baseball season: as a not-so-pleasant diversion to be endured with grim resignation until the fall when football season begins. For those who are new to the blog, and that would be anyone considering that I've had this thing up for over a month and NO ONE has commented on any of my pieces, I can be described in the simplest terms as FAT!!!! I'm not politically correct, I call a spade a spade and I will admit that I'm a porker of the first order. I'm 5 feet 6 and weigh about 265 pounds. And like my porcine friends, I sweat, a lot. There are times when I like the feeling of sweat pouring off me in sheets, because I believe that sweating gets rid of toxins and other crap in the body, but then there are times when the last thing I want to be doing is working up a sweat, like on those rare days that I actually decide to dress to impress. Also on those hot summer nights when I'm trying to get some sleep because my cheap ass doesn't want to spring for an air conditionner. I don't so much mind the summer heat, it's the humidity that usually does me in. I hate the feeling of clamminess and the suffocating closeness of high humidity. It feels like a skintight covering of Saran Wrap all over me. It makes me sluggish, and ill-tempered, which just makes my moodiness that much more unbearable. I am lucky that I live in Pittsburgh where the humidity is tolerable, how about living in South Florida or New Orleans, or anywhere in the South for that matter where the ratio between the temperature and the humidity approaches 1:1 on most summer days. I couldn't deal w/ that situation. I'd be going crazy.

But as fat as I am, and as much as I dislike the summer I at least have the sense not to skip and go half nekkid during the hot days. I don't even wear shorts in public. I can see how even large folk like me can harbor the desire to shed their clothing and promenade the streets in an effort to stay cool, but why choose clothes that clearly aren't designed for the purpose they are employed? What I'm talking about is fat people in revealing togs. Especially the women. Why is it that the fatter the woman is, the tighter and shorter her shorts, or skirt are? Pittsburgh, being a city that has large Eastern European roots as well as a decent sized black population, has its share of large people. I see 'em every day and I can rip on 'em 'cause I are one. I go Downtown and I see all these very large women, gotta be pushing three bills, and they are wearing miniskirts that leave very little to the imagination. These are chicks where their butt leaves the room 10 seconds after the rest of their body. They got them shelf butts that you can rest things on, and that can shade a family of midgets. They are the kind of women that when you see them on the streets, you're tempted to holler "beached whale!!!!" at the top of your lungs. They could be hired by the Navy, and put into service as reserve aircraft carriers: you can land an F-14 on their butts, when you're done you can use them for target practice. To see these girls walk in these tight skirts and jeans that they spent all morning with a dozen shoehorns and 10 pounds of of axle grease trying to get into, and the fat is jiggling and bouncing along in waves is a sight to behold and fosters feelings of awe and revulsion. I'm sorry girls, if you think I'm attracted by seeing 250+ lbs of fat in a skirt designed to hold 150, you're sorely mistaken.Drop some of the tonnage, and then we'll talk.

I'm noticing that skirts hemlines are really shooting up these days especially amongst a lot of the little ghettomamas running around these days trying desperately to look cute. I guess they think they can catch a man looking like a $20 hooker, but all it does is turn me off. Then again, I'm 43, and clearly not in their target demographic. If only these chickies spend their time and money on those things that would truly get them a man, like an education and some etiquette, they wouldn't need microminiskirts. But, at the risk of seeming a fattist, I'm not all that thrilled about thin shapely women going half nekkid either. Hey I can appreciate a slim trim hot looking woman in a short skirt, and showing some skin, but leave a little something for the imagination.