Monday, March 31, 2008

We Want 16!, We Want 16!!!

Tonight, our Pittsburgh Pirates open their 121st season against the Atlanta Braves. The Bucs have a chance to share a piece of Major League history if they should happen to lose 82 games this season. That number means they will tie the Philadelphia Phillies for the longest consecutive streak of sub .500 seasons currently standing at 16 years.

The Pirates have a new manager, a new CEO, and a new general manager. But the owner remains unchanged as well as the vast majority of on-field talent from a team that lost a utterly depressing 94 games in 2007. And considering that the owner, one Bob Nutting and his front office have successfully deluded themselves into believing that this virtually unchanged ballclub can actually win despite having one of the lowest payrolls in baseball, and having done little in the area of player acquisitions during the offseason, one can safely say that the Pirates chances of getting their 16th straight losing season is all but in the bag. Matter of fact, if I were a betting man, I'd put a bob or two on the prediction that the Bumbling Bucs will lose more than 90+ games and look totally incompetent in doing it. I actually want to see this team implode just like their old ballpark, Three Rivers Stadium was knocked down to make way for America's Finest Pale Pachyderm..., er, uh, Ballpark.

I want to see fielding that made the Bad News Bears look like the '27 Yankees. I crave for inconsistent hitting, comic baserunning a la the Three Stooges on acid, managerial moves that mystify even the most knowledgeable baseball mind and pitching that my high school team could hit. I want to see the fans come out to PNC Park with bags over their heads like the New Orleans Saints fans of the '70s and '80s. I want to see only 5,000 seats filled at Skyblast and every other frickin' fireworks and Bobblehead nights. I want to see how the Pirate PR department spins next year's ad campaign after they go belly up like a dead trout on a July afternoon. I want a trainwreck. I want a disaster that makes George W. Bush's presidency look like a Sunday School picnic. Simeon in the Bible proclaimed that he was now ready to die having seen his Savior. I just want to see the front office of the Buccos actually be serious about putting a quality product on the field instead of going through the motions, saying all the right things, and pocketing the cash. Of course, I won't see any of this because I refuse to go and watch the Pirates live or on TV until this long death march of bad baseball ends. Go figure. Anyone want to enter my pool as to when the 2008 Pirate season officially becomes irrelevant? I put it around June 15th.
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