Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Your City League Advocate is still a touch woozy a full four days after yet another wildly successful Birthday Bacchanal and Clam Bake held last Saturday in an undisclosed location. Funny, The Advocate used to be able to bounce right back into the saddle after the annual weekend of revelry, raw, naked hedonism (with the emphasis of naked) and the mass consumption of highly alcoholic beverages of unknown composition and even more unknown lethality. But this year the Advocate was laid up in bed for at least 48 hours and finally got the pink elephants to stop doing the can-can on the ceiling last night. Maybe being 46 isn't all its cracked up to be.
This year's Bacchanal went off rather smoothly, with no interference from the local law enforcement community. The revenues generated from the various event sponsorships went a long way towards paying off the local constabulary to look the other way. (No officer, you are not seeing that topless woman playing a peculiar form of footsy with that monkey!) That and also having a few photographs of the local councilmembers in compromising positions with ladies and/or gentlemen and/or animals that are clearly not those to whom they pledged to have and to hold, in sickness and health, and until death do they part. (Thank you. Photoshop!)
The Most Lethal Alcoholic Concoction was contested by a hearty field of extremely volatile and yet quite tasty drinks, The perennial winner, Satan's Lemonade, was challenged by a newcomer known only as Red Death. The creator of this heady brew was very reluctant to share the ingredients of the mix, but proved its potency by pouring a gallon of it into one of the stretch Hummers and driving it into the next town, damn near poisoning everyone at the party with its exhaust. But neither Satan's Lemonade nor Red Death could hold a candle to an inspiring and frisky little creation known simply as Liquid Sin. The volunteer tasters still have not come out of hospital yet. The local HazMat team is still cleaning up the area after a cup of the stuff was spilled on the ground and killed every animal and half the humans within a 50 yd radius.
Another crazy got a hold of the anti-tank weapons and yet again cooked off a round, but this time, there were no cheerleaders nor a llama to terrorize, but we'll have to explain to that farmer how his barn got leveled, and his cows are clearly showing signs of PTSD. The Advocate has never seen cows give chocolate milk before, and that farmer's chickens are laying eggs that are anything but egg-shaped.
The highlight of the weekend was the annual "Catch The Virgin" contest sponsored by Cialis. Would this be the fifth year in a row that the designated virgin would elude her captors and retain her virtue?? You may remember one "Mad Mike" Muchacho, last year's early favorite to break the streak who was schooled by a particularly evasive maiden that gave him a slip that ruined the rest of the day for him? Well, our boy Mike trained and trained and trained and came to the event tanned, rested and incredibly fit. He showed off the results of this intensive regimen by catching the virgin in an event record of 5.3 seconds, shattering the old record by a full 15 minutes. Sadly, Mike got so excited about finally breaking the streak and setting a new course record that he was unable to...shall we say...follow up. Even after liberal doses of the sponsors product, Mad Mike just wasn't able to finish the second part of the contest, and was so disqualified. Poor Mike.
It is safe to say that Your City League Advocate's Birthday Bacchanal and Clam Bake was another huge success, now if the Advocate can just figure out how to get the cats to stop doing Marx Brothers impressions. He wonders if there's anymore of that Liquid Sin laying around????
1. Brashear 3-0, 3-0
2. Carrick 2-1, 2-1
2 Oliver 2-1, 2-1
2 Perry 2-1, 2-1
5. Westinghouse 1-1, 1-1
6. Langley 1-2, 1-2
6. Schenley 1-2, 1-2
8. Peabody 0-2, 0-2
9. Allderdice 0-3, 0-3
Let's get to the football...another interesting week in the Pittsburgh City League. Last week Westinghouse broke out of its slump, and now the Revenge of the Bottom Feeders continues with what has so far become the upset of the season. The Langley Mustangs defeated the Peabody Highlanders 35-32 in overtime, sending the West End Kids out of the dungeon and into the fresh air that is mid-pack in the City League. The Ponies earned the win with two TD passes by Jesse Bell. The first was a 21 yd strike to Stephon Faye on the last play of regulation, and the game winner came on the first play of overtime, a 10 yd toss to Tyrone Smith. Bell also helped his own cause by rushing for 118 yds on 12 carries. Brother Joey Bell also ran for over 100 yds toting the ball 114 yds on 29 carries. Pierre Carr scored 4 TDs for the Kilties in the losing effort.
Peabody has given up 69 points in their two games thus far and have scored 66 points. The Mustangs last won in the City League back on October 14, 2005 against Brashear. Their next game takes them 120 miles down 79 South into West-By-Gawd Virginia to take on Phillip Barbour High School. The Highlanders will try to muster a win against the resurgent Perry Commodores, who thrust themselves into the thick of the frontrunners by their edging of the Carrick Raiders 14-6. A significant win in that both teams are tied for second, but Perry owns the tiebreaker for playoff implications. The One Stars broke open the 6-6 tie in the 4th quarter on a 23 yd TD pass by Greg McGhee to Rayfiq Cromwell. Next stop for the new and much improved Raiders will be a Saturday afternoon tilt against Westinghouse who hopefully wasn't basking in the glow of their recent over the Oliver Bears. Speaking of the Bruins, they easily handled the Advocate's Dragons 20-0, sending the Green Hats into the cellar for the first time since 2003. Not much to say about this debacle, other than the 'Dice needs to get its stuff in one sock if they want to even have a sniff at a playoff berth. But the schedule makers aren't kind to the Dragons this week, because at 0-3 they'll have to go against the undefeated Brashear Bulls who remain the lone undefeated team in the City League by demolishing the Schenleystein Spartans 36-12. DaBulls got 2TD's from WR Taji Linning, a 33yd fumble return for TD by Mike Barron, a 31 yd TD run by James Reed and a 24yd interception return by Manesseh Garner.
The Pick 'Em field was rocked by the turn of events of last weekend with Falcons_01 going 3-1 and the rest of the field doing no better than 2-2. Everybody got smoked on the Peabody-Langley game. The Oliver and Brashear games were picked predictably by all comers, and Falcons was the only one who wasn't impressed by Carrick.
Falcons_01 3-1 12pts
CLA 2-2 8pts
Coach99 2-2 8pts
THSfan 2-2 8pts
mal_8ball 2-2 8pts*
* picks not submitted in time, proxy selection and half points awarded.
CLA 8-5 32pts
Coach99 8-5 32pts
Falcons_01 8-5 32pts
THSfan 7-6 28pts
mal_8ball 7-6 20pts
Thursday September 18th
6:00pm Brashear at Allderdice. The Advocate's debating whether he should subject himself to this mess. Brashear by 20.
Friday September 19th
3:30pm Oliver vs Schenleystein. The Advocate's still not quite sure who the real Oliver Bears are. The ones who destroyed Langley, or the ones who got schooled by the 'House. DaBears had the easiest opening schedule in the City, and they split against perennial bottom feeders, but they dominated a team that WAS presumably supposed to contend for a playoff spot in the 'Dice. Schenley has lost two in a row. This game could contend for the Advocate's Game of the Week honors. The Advocate will go with Oliver by the thinnest of margins Oliver by 8
7:30pm Peabody vs Perry. The Highlanders score a lot and give up a lot. The Commodores aren't quite the terror of the past eight years, but they do seem to have some of their swagger back. We'll see. Perry by 10
7:30pm Langley vs Phillip Barbour W.VA. The Advocate could not find out much about Phillip Barnour beyond that their nickname is the Colts, so we'll have two teams with horsey mascots. According to the Barbour Intermountain newspaper, the Colts are currently 2-1 on the season, having won their last two games in a row. Not a whole lot to go on. Langley will be their guest for Homecoming, so you gotta figure the Colts will be fired up to show the out of towners up. The Advocate will go with Phillip Barbour simply because of the history of City League squads in these out of state games and the potential hostile crowd factor. Barbour by 14
Saturday September 20th
12:00pm Carrick vs Westinghouse. Can the Big Bads make it 2 in a row against a frontrunning team? They've had a full week to prep for the Raiders. Carrick is looking to bounce back from an emotional loss. They cannot afford to look past the Bulldogs. The Advocate thinks that the Tribe has too many weapons for the 'House to contain. Carrick by 10
Rochester vs. Western Beaver