Once again, the news from Gobbler's Knob is that the famous rodent prognosticator, Punxsutawny Phil has seen his shadow thereby guaranteed that we will have yet again, another six weeks of winter. Y'all know that Punxsutawny Phil has seen his shadow 108 times in 131 years, right? Park Place math puts that at 82 and change percent, right? Now the hard working statisticians at the Moonlight Scribbler Institute of Advanced Statistical Analysis and Crab Shack have pored over these numbers with painstaking care and have deduced and confirmed what I've known for a long time.
Phil is on the take.
He's getting paid, people. I have always believed that the various producers of winter goods (tossle caps, sleds, snow shovels, space heaters, etc) have formed a cabal in order to influence Punxsutawny Phil to see his shadow and predict six more weeks of winter, thereby giving those industries six more weeks to reap the profits from winter. It is true, people. The numbers don't lie. The few times that Phil has not seen his shadow are but a clever ploy designed to throw curious investigators off the scent, by insinuating that the fix is not in. But smart people like me are not fooled. Every once in a while, the winter goods cabal attempts to lay down a smokescreen to deflect suspicion. But their tomfoolery is all too apparent to those of us who know what to look for.
And this cabal has very persuasive ways of making sure that their activities remain in the shadows out of the public eye. They have hit squads, you know. Those old guys wearing the top hats and speaking Groundhogese up at Gobbler's Knob talking to Phil? Don't be fooled, they may seem harmless, but they are secret operatives trained in cutting edge military tactics and equipped with state of the art weaponry designed to make sure that the secrets of Phil's payoffs remain unknown to an unsuspecting public. These operatives have been trained by Army Green Berets and Navy SEALS to defend the wishes of their cabal masters by any means necessary.
I myself have been harrassed by these top hatted thugs when they confronted me armed with Mossberg tactical shotguns, bludgeons, and clubs and demanded that I remain quiet. They have tried to buy me off, but while their offers have been tempting, I still remain undeterred. No doubt, they will resort to more extreme measures of persuasion as time goes on. They are merciless and infinitely patient. I may not survive much longer.
I will never stop making my voice heard about these insidious activities. My efforts to educate the public are ceaseless and will survive my untimely demise. I have others in my employ who will carry on my work once I am gone. Their identities remain secret, but even now they are hard at work. The world must know these deep secrets behind Groundhog Day.
I have approached the major broadcast and cable networks, pitching my revolutionary documentary, 'The Dark Secret of Groundhog Day', but fearing physical and economic retaliation from Phil's forces, they refuse to entertain my entreaties. But I will keep seeking and searching and will ultimately find an outlet for my voice to be heard. Those of you who are allied with my cause are welcome to join me as we uncover and expose the lies, treachery, and hinky doings behind this most innocuous seeming celebration, which in secret, hides an plan that can tear apart this nation. STAND WITH ME!!!