Now that Bernie Sanders has cashed out, that leaves us with two old doddering fools with touchy-feely issues. As a service to my fellow 'Muricans, I and the rest of the gang at the Moonlight Scribbler Center for Political Excellence and Crab Shack have burned the midnight oil cogitating and concentrating, scheming and dreaming, thinking and drinking and after many minutes of perusing insanely complex mathematical models, copious shots of Fireball, and thousands of brain cells expended, we have, in a valiant effort to submit to you, the discerning voter, alternatives to the Trump/Biden choice that awaits us.
1. Bill the Cat from Bloom County fame: Multi- time Presidential candidate from the Meadow Party. Occasionally dead. Virtually indestructible. Known to ingest any number of dangerous substances. Limited vocabulary consisting of "Oop, Ack and Thbbft!" Had been known to date or have dalliances with Jeane Kirkpatrick and Queen Elizabeth and was drinking buddies with Garfield and Heathcliff. Once had Trump's brain implanted into him. And made better use of it than its current owner.
2. Pinky and the Brain from Animaniacs: Two genetically enhanced mice. One is a genius, the other is insane. Which is which? Who knows? Their aims are simple: to take over the world. At least they're transparent.
3. My best friend's adorable, but very dead Dachshund, Snickers: A local favorite. As old in dog years as Biden or Trump but much smarter and less likely to put a paw in the wrong place. Mainly because One, he's dead and Two, his legs were only three inches long. Very unlikely to screw up his Presidency because he's dead. A most worthy candidate who'd be a credit to this country. Did I mention that he's dead. A factor that could weigh most heavily in his likability ratings.
Finally, Any high functioning adult.
Choose wisely, America. Our country's future depends on it.