A conversation between me and God shortly after I arrive in Heaven.
God: Okay, Pierre. Here's the deal. You accepted Jesus my son as your personal saviour. That gets you in. The bad news is that we haven't figured out where to put you.
God: You met the minimum requirements. But you haven't done anything else. You don't evangelize, you don't witness, you haven't brought one soul into the kingdom. You got in by the skin of your teeth. You don't even pass out tracts.
Me: Have you ever seen Chick Tracts, Lord?
God: Okay, point taken. I know you like to sing so we'll put you in the Heavenly choir. For once you won't be the only tenor in the section.
God: Now, for where you're gonna live. Obviously, we're not putting you in the high rent district. You won't be hanging with me, or Jesus. The Holy Spirit gets around a lot so you'll get to rub shoulders with him. But all the good digs will be taken by Mary, Joseph, the Disciples, Paul, the Old Testament Patriarchs. That bunch. You won't be there. Besides, they aren't the most exciting crowd. Important, but not exciting. So I guess we'll put you in the Heavenly Ghetto.
Me: From what I hear the Ghetto of Heaven is infinitely better than the finest gated community on Earth.
God: It is, but that's where all the praise singers will live.
Me: You mean I have to listen to praise music for eternity?
God: Either that or the campus where all the musicians who performed all that awful Contemporary Christian Music of the 70's and 80's will live. Your choice. It could be worse. You could be stuck where all the televangelists live.
Me: Yech! Unless I get to smack the televangelist that convinced me to toss my ELO collection, I want nothing to do with those Brylcreem prophets! I guess I'll take the bad CCM. At least some of them rocked. The lyrics were crap but it had a beat. Petra won't be there will they?
God: You chucked away a perfectly good ELO collection because some idiot televangelist told you they were of the devil? Oh, he's getting a Heavenly Wedgie for that one! I love ELO!! Are you kidding? Petra's the house band! Especially with Greg X. Volz as the lead singer! I rock to those boys!! Good choice in your choice of residence. I'm not looking forward to being praised 24/7/eternity. But them's the rules. Welcome aboard and get your robe, and other goodies over at Processing.
Me: One more question, Lord. What about beer?
God: What about it?
Me: Is Heaven going to be a dry Paradise?
God: Oh, no. You know how boring this place would be if we didn't have good beer? In your case, all the Bourbon barrel Imperial coffee stout you can drink!!
Me: Yeeeah boyee!
God Don't do that again!!!