Sunday, March 07, 2021

I'm Complicated...

By and large, I'm a decent person. I go thru life with a more or less positive outlook. I'll help my friends, even complete strangers on occasion. I love my church, one day I'll be able to go back there. I love my Legion. I love good beer. I have great friends. Some go back to kindergarten. Compared to others, I feel that I've been dealt a good hand, though I don't always play it well. Sometimes I bid 10 for 2 and hit it exactly. Sometimes I bid 4 and only get 3. 

 I'm reasonably healthy. I don't smoke, or do drugs. I only drink in moderation. I mind my own business.

But there are times when I'm not the nicest person in the world. There are times when I can be downright nasty. I don't do fashion. I don't dress to impress. Take me as I am or not at all. I'm a loner by nature. I don't always like to be around people. I'm not a dater. I'm 58 and have never had a steady girlfriend. Not really interested in getting into relationships. Never married, no desire for kids.  

In terms of maturity, there are areas where I'm maturity challenged. Sometimes little things set me off. I don't like coming in to work and seeing that the previous guards didn't empty the trash. I don't like that we have garbage bags that if you look at them funny, they tear. I don't like working consecutive double shifts on the weekend. I'm tired of this damn pandemic. 

Fame and lofty credentials don't impress me. If you're a friend, I will respect and cheer your accomplishments. But if you have an Ivy League degree, or have won awards of excellence or have a bunch of letters behind your name, and you try to impress me with your skills, I'll just ask you if you want a medal or a chest to pin it on. 

Same with celebrities. If want to use your celebrity status as a platform to advance a cause or to make change. Fine, cool. But I don't care about your mansions, your cars, your pampered kids and your big noise spouse or significant other. I don't read People magazine. Your s**t stinks just like mine. Maybe you just use $100 bills to wipe your butt.

If you choose to put your head in the lion's mouth, don't expect much in the way in sympathy from me when he bites it off. 

I am impatient. I hate standing in lines. I tend to blame the people in front of me than the slowpoke behind the desk. Six years of standing in liberty, chow and ship's store lines will do that to you.  

I'm a veteran. I rock my ship's ball caps. I've seen lots of stuff, did lots of stuff, some of it morally questionable. In places most people couldn't find on a map. Worked hard, played hard, and stayed hard😁😁😁. But at times, I look back on my years in the service with regret that I could have done better, gone farther.  

I went to college. Have two degrees, but I could have planned it out better. I could have made better decisions. Maybe I'd be in a better position in life. But I've made my bed, I have to lay in it.  

About the only thing conservative about me is that I'm not a risk taker. I'm deathly scared that something I try will blow up in my face. And I don't have that much to lose. I don't always make good decisions. 

There's a lot about me I like. There's a lot about me I hate. There's a lot about me I want to change but I'm too scared shitless to try to. All I can do is try to keep this life moving down the road. Celebrate the good things, rage against the bad, change what I can change and work around what I can't. I'm not perfect. Not always nice. In many ways I'm as simple as a puzzle with only one piece. In others, I'm so difficult to grok, the Library of Congress doesn't have enough room for my instruction manual. I'm just me. The good, the bad, the ugly. The salty, the sweet, the savory. I am the sum of all my experiences. The math doesn't always add up.

 But it is what it is.

No comments: